Ach mein Gott, what a morning!
Today saw the Frankenlab’s first (and may I hastily add LAST) ‘bring your kids to work day’. What started off a morale- building exercise for the team quickly turned to chaos when my little nephew Ralphie discovered the lab’s supply of medicinal alcohol, one of Elsie’s puppies got stuck in the air conditioning outlet and Igor’s socially maladjusted two-year-old son, Klunk, nearly lost a finger whilst trying to feed a Dr. Miriam Stoppard book to our story monster.Still, judging from the submissions we’ve been getting through to the Frankenlab, we’re not the only ones having nightmares about unruly kids!
Take this Frankenstory submitted a while back by Sam and Jeff- a terrifying exploration of what happens if you turn a nursery school class into a bunch of mini Rambos…
Only one thought crossed my mind at the sight of the thousand four-year-olds wielding knives: The end is near. After that, I wondered for a bit about what monster would even arm a thousand four-year-olds, and I ultimately blamed the preschools. The preschools seemed like the only logical choice: who else would have the power to transform one thousand kids into soldiers of destruction and doom? I realized then that I must act alone. No one would believe that teachers were terrorists. Regardless, I had a more pressing issue on my hands – the current group of youthful sprites insistent upon stabbing me in the chest. I knew I had no way of defeating the youngsters in straight-up combat. What could I do? I realized the only way to defeat them was stealth. I fashioned a disguise, made from newspaper, and I waited. One by one, I surprised them with a back stab. It’s just a matter of time before they all die.
(see the original story here)
I blame the parents. But then again, maybe their psychotic urges are coming from a far more benign influence as Katie and Mary’s journey into the dark side of Santa’s workshop reveals…
The urge to kill was rising. Little Johnny Sprinkles was sitting, comtemplating stabbing every last elf in the room. Santa came in, making sure all were working on their toys. Johnny got back to work, building yet another toy fire truck. Ralph loved his job at the beginning — who wouldn’t love the job Tom Hanks got in “Big”? He got to revisit his childhood every day. But now, a year later, constantly coming up with new ideas was wearing on him so he made a decision. The idea had been rolling around in his little elf head for quite sometime. It slowly began to fester, and before he knew it all he could think about was executing his glorious plan to destroy the toy company once and for all. All the Tinker Toys, Legos, and Barbies would go up in flames, and no one would be able to pin it on him — because he would be dead. It was perfect.
(see the original story here)
Terrifying stuff,eh? I bet you’ll all be trying extra hard to stay off the ‘naughty list’ this Christmas knowing that Santa’s little helpers are like a cross between Jack the Ripper and Michael Douglas in ‘Falling Down’.
Anyway, must dash, Klunk’s just found our scalpel cupboard and Ralphie’s making a beeline towards my vintage single malt.
Keep the stories coming in!
Scientifically yours,